How to Terrorise a Criminal Organisation
by Trojan Virus
Summary: What will become of the Akatsuki when a small, green object-which has a way of speech similar to Tobi's-appears on the doorstep of the Hideout? Madness and mayhem, to say on the very least...
1. Chapter 1

How to Terrorise a Criminal Organisation

By: Trojan Virus

Chapter 1-Intruders, Eggs and Good Moods

Sasori was relaxing on the couch one early morning when he thought heard a knock on the main door. Dismissing it as a figure of his imagination-because, really, who would dare to do that-he got up to get himself a cup of coffee. The puppeteer shook his head. Someone knocking on the door of a hideout full of deadly S-class missing-nin, at this hour… He must be suicidal.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

There it was again! He pretended to not have heard, and busied himself with operating the coffee machine. The knocking persisted, and the noise escalated from gentle taps to full out bashing and ramming. Sasori started to get edgy. Who was this mystery knocker? The door was vibrating violently, so violently that it seemed it would be knocked down.

The rest of the Akatsuki were sleeping, and Sasori had no intention of waking them up that early. But if this knocking contined, they would all certainly wake up, due to the tremendous amount of noise. And what the puppeteer did not _want, _was to be stuck with nine exceptionally grumpy, bad-tempered criminals storming around the hideout for the whole day, attempting to kill _practically anything and anyone who just so happened to be unfortunate to stand in their way_. And they would be like that, just because a loud noise had woken them up _waaaay _too early and had interrupted their beauty sleep.

How very pathetic.

So, Sasori made a split second decision. He would open the door and eliminate whoever was standing out there, so he could have a nice, peaceful day. Yep, because all he cared about was a relaxing day with no troublesome worries. And when he threw the door open, he was already thinking about his steaming cup of coffee he had left in the kitchen.

"Let's get this over and done with." He muttered.

Sasori grabbed his kunai and prepared to slash downwards, when he saw… Nothing. He saw absolutely nothing standing outside the door. The puppeteer was confused, very confused, in fact. He definitely heard something knocking on the door, and it was most definitely NOT a figure of his imagination. Sasori sighed. It could have been a prankster, a SUICIDAL prankster, though the chances of that were highly unlikely… So what could it be?

The Akatsuki member turned around to go back into the hideout. As long as the knocking had stopped, he decided, he wouldn't be bothered or get all flustered about it. His thoughts turned back to coffee, coffee, coffee.

Then, he felt something brush against his leg. Instinctively, Sasori stopped in his tracks and slowly looked down. A small, green, furry object, looked up at him with big, cute eyes. It was unlike anything the puppeteer had ever seen. The… Uh… Object opened its mouth and said,

"Chilli is a good boy!"

Sasori gaped. The only person Sasori ever knew who could pull of that exact same sentence with so much innocence, was Tobi. Was this thing a new disciple of Tobi or something? The puppeteer resisted to strong urge to facepalm. The thing-slash-object-slash-chilli-or-whatever-it-called-itself bounced up and down on the floor crazily, like a kangaroo on steroids. It only stopped occasionally to say, "Good boy!" or "Chilli is a good boy!~"

"What's all this noise?" A feminine voice came floating through the doorway.

Sasori flinched. He had woken Konan up. Darn. The blue-haired woman spotted the puppeteer crouching down, staring at the something that was making a Tobi-like sound. She strutted up to the red-haired man and peered downwards, fixing her eyes on the small, green object that seemed to be the one talking. Sasori got prepared to hear Konan's loud, angry scream directed at the object for waking her up at five in the morning. Instead, he heard:

"Awww, it's so cute!"

Konan grinned, blushing slightly. The puppeteer stared at her as if she had just suggested that the moon was green. What was this weirdness called again? Oh yeah, it was called: BEING OOC. Sasori was unable to take any more ridiculous, nonsensical things. So, he walked back into the hideout, pushed the strange scene of Konan cooing over a talking, green, chilli (Sasori decided it was a chilli) away from his mind and went to the kitchen to retrieve his already stone-cold coffee.

The only female member of the Akatsuki shook her head at the sight of Sasori, who looked really very disgruntled, and sighed. Men would never be able to understand. Can't he see how cute the little chilli (It probably was a chilli, as far as Konan could tell) was? It had big eyes, a rather sizable mouth, and a high-pitched voice that Konan thought was so adorable. She cuddled it, and decided to make it her little pet.

"I'll name you…Chilli!"

As the bluenette congratulated herself for being so original and creative, Kakuzu walked out of his room, grumbling about something that had to do with Hidan wasting a lot of money. The miser caught sight of Konan at the doorway and felt a little curious. What was she doing? He received his answer when she turned around. In her arms, there was a greenish thing that looked-in his opinion-rather hideous. Okay, maybe not _that_ hideous. As long as that thing stayed out of his way, Kakuzu was sure he could put up with living with something that looked suspiciously like a chilli.

Konan smiled at Kakuzu, and held up Chilli.

"Look, this is the our new pet. His name is Chilli!" She said gleefully, acting very OOC indeed.

Kakuzu shrugged and walked off. There were a few more banks to be robbed, and a few million more dollars he had to collect. Personally, all the miser wanted to do is…Money! And, money! He didn't want to be bothered be the irritating things in front of him. Konan giggled to herself as Kakuzu strutted, because silence usually meant approval. She was in an unusually good mood, and so decided to attempt making breakfast for everybody.

The Janshinist woke to a lovely smell of frying eggs. He turned sideways, reluctant to rise, but still dragged his lazy ass out of bed. The last time he refused to get up, Leader had used a giant water hose and blasted him with freezing cold water. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. So, learning his lesson, Hidan never, _ever _repeated his mistake ever again-smart choice.

"EVERYBODY UP AND AT 'EM!"

A loud, feminine voice came floating from the living room. Hidan cursed-as usual-and grabbed his scythe, while pulling on the Akatsuki cloak. Storming outside, he was greeted by the sight of Konan, holding out a plate full of eggs to him with one hand, telling him to eat up. The white-haired Janshinist didn't take the plate, though, He was staring at what was in Konan's other hand-a chilli.

"I see you took notice of Chilli. He's our new pet!"

Hidan resisted the urge to facepalm. Who could like something so ugly? Not wanting to offend Konan-in case Leader came after him-he snatched to plate away and swaggered off to the ritual rooms to sacrifice people and eat his breakfast.

How boring can he get?

Konan grinned cheerfully. She held Chilli in one arm, while distributing breakfast to everyone with her other arm. Her grin was ridiculously large and rather infectious, so before long, a few of the other Akatsuki members found themselves attempting to hide their smiles, much to their amusement (or annoyance). Even Leader was having difficulties trying not to smile.

By then, almost everyone-minus Itachi and Tobi, who seemed to be absent from the scene-had a large grin plastered on their faces. Honestly, it looked like a gathering of the Narutos-because only Naruto can pull off this sort of grin-with different hairstyles.

And this was how much the Akatsuki was influenced, from being silent, ruthless assasinators, to a bunch of kid-like adults who were trying not to laugh. All by one, single, harmless little chilli named Chilli. What they didn't know was that this was just the beginning…

**End Of Chapter**


	2. Chapter 2

How to Terrorise a Criminal Organisation

Chapter 2-Hidan's Wonderful Not-So-Secret Admirer

So far, Chilli hadn't irritated any of the Akatsuki members since his appearance. YET. Which was actually quite a feat for him…

_**YET.**_

__Hidan was actually quite pleased to have Chilli around in the hideout. Okay, maybe not _quite pleased_. The relationship between him and Chilli was more like a you-don't-bother-me-I-don't-bother-you kind of relationship. Though that technically isn't counted as a relationship.

The peace between the priest and the green thing remained for a few weeks. The Janshinist continued his daily routine that consisted mainly of sacrificing and eating, while Chilli (as usual) was completely oblivious to the presence of the white-haired man. And just when Hidan was getting used to having Chilli around, even considering forming an alliance (after he saw it irritating Deidara to no end), the green object decided that its next victim to ITD (Irritate To Death) would be Hidan.

Obviously, the Janshinist didn't have a clue about Chilli's clever plot, and so went about happily.

Now, let us pause the story for a while to tell you more about Chilli. Looks can be deceiving. Though Chilli looked as dumb and as slow-witted as Naruto, there was hidden intelligence in that brain of his (unlike Naruto), and it was perfectly capable with coming up of plan-a plan to make Hidan's life a living hell for three weeks. That's right, even the time frame was carefully mapped out.

Now let's get on with the story.

So, on a rainy, gloomy, Tuesday, Chilli decided that it was time to put his plan into action. When Hidan got up to go to the sacrificing rooms to kill a few shinobi, he didn't realize that there was a small silhouette shadowing him, bouncing at his heels like a kangaroo on steroids. The priest stopped and turned, hearing a strange noise that echoed his footsteps creepily. Looking behind him to see what on Earth dared to follow him to Janshin's holy rooms, the white-haired man was slightly surprised to see Chilli.

Agitatedly, Hidan shooed him away. "Go and find Konan!" He said.

But the determined chilli wasn't about to budge. It stood stock still in the semi-darkness, grinning up at the freaked out Janshinst. Hidan shook his head. If Chilli wished to see a brutal, gory massacre of humans, then it wasn't his job to stop it. The white-haired man trudged up to his sacred rooms, and prepared for a ritual. He was more than a little amazed as Chilli bounced around the room for the entire time, pausing only a few times to check out the bloody pile of dead shinobi and kunoichi. That green object didn't even cringe when the blood-curdling screams of dying humans pierced the silence.

Hidan was impressed. Very impressed, actually. He hadn't seen such a small, brave thing in a long time.

So, he walked out of the room, preparing to tell Konan about how…Interesting her pet was. However, when he was walking down the hallway, he felt the sudden urge to use the toilet. Hidan then made a detour to the bathroom, failing entirely to realize that Chilli was actually still following him.

The crafty vegetable grinned evilly to himself. He had planned to follow the Janshinist everywhere…And when he said everywhere, he meant EVERYWHERE. Yes, even the bathroom. This chilli was no pervert, but if he wanted to see the normally I-can't-be-bothered man (Chilli hasn't known Hidan for too long, so cut him some slack) become all hot and bothered, he would gladly lay down his reputation of being a straight, innocent vegetable. How evil could a veggie get? No more evil than this, probably…

And since this is only a K+ rated fic, I shall spare you the details of what happened next. I will only reveal to you that Hidan ran out of the bathroom, (without his pants, unfortunately) and emitted a high-pitched screech like a girl when he saw that Chilli had followed him all the way into the loo. He also (unfortunately) chose to dash into the living room (still without his pants, that idiot) just when Konan strolled leisurely into the room. The blue-haired origami specialist stared at him in shock for a few seconds before yelling in embarrassment. She turned her back to him, blushing furiously at the terrible sight she had just seen.

The poor woman.

But you must understand that Konan has been living with males for her entire life, and thus is relatively used to their stupidity and their 'moments', one of which has just been described in the previous paragraph. This fact didn't stop the bluenette from being absolutely furious, though. She actually had to stop herself from rushing at Janshinist, who was standing behind her and cussing like there was no tomorrow.

"QUIT STALLING! GO PUT YOUR PANTS ON AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" She shrieked.

Deidara just had to choose that moment to step into the rather noisy room. He looked at Hidan, then at Konan. The blondie shook his head, his long hair swishing about. He had to admit though, that the blue-haired kunoichi looked pretty fearsome when she was fuming. Angry women are not to be trifled with, unless you would like a broken arm. The pyromaniac decided to go on his way and ignore the two of them.

When Deidara left the room, Hidan finally pulled himself together and stalked off to the toilet to retrieve his pants.

Chilli watched all of this action through shining eyes. Hidan's reaction was absolutely PRICELESS. Thank goodness he had managed to capture it all on film. Don't ask him where he had gotten the camera and how he managed to hold it (poor Chilli has no arms whatsoever), because even up to this day, it remains a great mystery that is left unsolved.

Anyway, the evil vegetable knew that it was blackmail time. He bounced up to Hidan's room, as we all know that the priest is feeling very stupid and idiotic, so he is hiding in his bloody (literally) room to sulk in peace. Chilli interrupted that peace and knocked on the door.

A very snappy white-haired man screamed at whoever was knocking on his door to: PLEASE (censored for your own good) OFF. That didn't deter the stubborn chilli though. It just kept ramming itself against the white door until the incredibly pissed off Janshinist slammed the door open.

"Chilli is a good boy!"

" #$##%$# %&*^%%&$$#%$!?"

"Chilli wanna show you something, cause Chilli is a good boy!"

"! #$^%$#%$#%-Wait, what? Whaddya wanna show me you $#% thing?"

Chilli knew he had attracted Hidan's attention and had sparked his curiosity. So, he held up his camera, and the white-haired man bent down, squinting at the small screen and watching the video. As soon as the Janshinist realised what the green object was actually showing him-which was the events described above-he reeled in shick, his mouth hanging wiiiiide open.

"Chilli wanna post this on da Internet! Chilli thinks it will attract many views! Chilli is a good boy!"

Hidan jumped a foot in the air and screamed. He started to chase after the vegetable, when he noticed that it had already escaped into the shadows. The Janshinist panicked. As soon as that video gets posted on the Net, there's no stopping other shinobi from viewing it. It would totally ruin his reputation of being a Missing-nin, S-Class criminal.

So he ran around the hideout searching high and low for the chilli. Then, an idea popped into his head. Okay, maybe not an idea, but anyway.

It had just occurred to him that he should check the computer to see if the video had already been posted.

Hidan started up the computer anxiously.

Then, he sat staring at the screen.

In total silence.

With a horrified look on his face.

How dare Chilli do this to him…

The video had been posted.

And the number of views was increasing by the mere second.

Oh, Leader is gonna be so mad.

End Of Chapter


	3. Chapter 3

HtTaCO 3

Chapter 3-Allies

You remember what I said about hidden intelligence? Well, Tobi has that. Although he appears to be incredibly stupid, Tobi actually has a brain, which he can use-unlike Deidara maybe, who is truly, a dumb blondie. So, one day, when the orange-masked man was taking a stroll in the garden, (which were filled with poisonous plants, courtesy of Zetsu) he noticed a chilli bouncing around his feet.

It really was cute.

Tobi was surprised that he had never noticed it before. Maybe it had arrived during the few weeks that he was on a mission-a solo mission, thank God, so there was no irritating blonde furballs to accompany him. He bent down to get a closer look at the queer green thing. It grinned at him. Wow, it really was cute. Was this the new pet of the Akatsuki?

"Chilli is a good boy!"

Tobi smiled. This thing was basically a mini replica of himself. Innocent and annoying.

"Can you understand me?" He asked curiously.

The vegetable looked at him skeptically. (If a chilli can actually do that, but never mind, you get my point.)

"Yes, I can."

Apparently, Chilli could form proper sentences as well. Tobi was greatly impressed. For a vegetable, Chilli certainly had a very wide range of vocabulary. _FOR A VEGETABLE._

"So, tell when you arrived. I've never seen you in the hideout before."

Chilli had never seen Tobi either. But he had heard enough about him. The man in front of him was supposedly very irritating, and would not be able to form actual, proper sentences, other than 'Tobi is a good boy!' or some variation of that. So, the vegetable was slightly surpised to find Tobi standing in front of him, speaking in good English. The intelligent green object figured that Tobi probably hid his intelligence, just like himself.

" I arrived about two weeks ago. So far, I've irritated and humiliated Deidara as well as Hidan in your stead."

"Ah, I see."

"I've heard quite a lot about you, Tobi."

"Oh really now. What did you hear? Is it good or bad?"

"I heard that you are supposedly very stupid and irritating-even worse than yours truly…Which is quite surprising, as I pride myself of being incredibly antagonizing. And I've actually been wanting to meet you for some time."

"Why do you want to meet me?"

"I want to become allies."

"Allies? I don't see why not. We can come up with plans to…Shall we head back to my room to discuss these matters, over some tea and cake?"

"Not a bad idea indeed…"

SINCE WHEN HAVE TOBI AND CHILLI BECOME SO SMART?

I apologise for that. Anyway, we shall get on with the story and not waste any more precious time.

So, as mentioned previously, Chilli was invited back to Tobi's room, where discussed their new-found alliance over tea and cake-because discussing things over tea and cake is always the best way to solve problems.

"So, who shall be our next target?" Asks Tobi.

Chilli appears to think long and hard about this question before answering.

"Would you mind if I got us kicked out of the Akatsuki, or worse?"

"Not really, why?"

"I think our next victim should be Sir Leader, and I am certainly not joking about with you."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? That's suicidal!"

"Well, we could prank 'im. He wouldn't even know who did it."

"True…Yes, I think that's a good idea. Next up, Sir Leader. So, Chilli, how should we prank him?"

"….."

"….."

Unknown to the duo, a blonde-haired female-ahem, I meant male-stood outside the door, listening carefully to their conversation. Every few seconds, the trespasser would grimace, or make some stupid-looking face, as he eavesdropped on the conversation. Muttering quietly to himself, Deidara decided to go back to his room and reflect on what he had just heard.

Tobi was really smart. And now, Deidara knew it.

"Deidara?"

The blondie turned his head to find Sasori glaring at him.

"What, Sasori no danna, un?"

"You're sitting on my bed."

" #$%$$#%$^&?! Sorry."

Sasori knew there was something wrong with Deidara. The man was sulking in a corner, deep in thought. Which was strange, because Deidara was usually too stupid to be deep in thought. The puppeteer decided to ignore his partner, and trudged off to the workshop to work on some of his new puppets.

Meanwhile, Tobi and Chilli had just completed mapping out their plan. Starting from tomorrow, Sir Leader would be in for a hard, hard week…

End of Chapter

Hello, valued reviewers.

I am here to thank you for the support I have received. All are appreciated!

This particular chapter here is dedicated to MeiMeiaru8, my first reviewer.  
Anyway, if you have any questions, complaints or things like that, please PM me or review. Constructive criticism is welcomed too.

**Thanks!**  
**Trojan, the author who wrote this pathetically short chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4

Taa Daa! Chapter Four

**HtTaCO 4-Pein's week of Pain **

Plot Number 1#

_**The Deadly Duo **_

Tobi and Chilli hid in the shadows, stalking Leader-san like wolves hunting their helpless prey. Tobi rubbed his hands gleefully, it was time to take action. Chilli gave him the signal, and he ever so silently balanced a bucket full of dirty water-taken from Kisame's pet fish's tank-on top of the Leader-san's half opened office door carefully.

The deed had been done. Plot 1-as the duo called it-was complete. Now all Tobi and Chilli had to do was to wait patiently for Sir Leader to push open his door… And dirty water from the bucket would come splashing down on him.

"Any time now…" Chilli whispered, "Tobi, hide."

To cut a long story short…

They hid.

_**Leader**_

Leader grumbled irritatedly at the amount of paperwork that was needed to be finished. Stacks and stacks of paper was piled up on his desk, and even though he was working as hard as possibly could, the stacks of paper didn't seem to decrease, in fact, it seemed to _increase_. Konan, his secretary, had a pretty hard time as well. She had to deal with Leader's anger, get him his coffee, sort out his paper work, do practically every single little thing to help him out.

"ARGH! I give up. Konan, wait here for me. I'm going to get myself a cup of coffee." Just like that, Leader walked away from his desk, and pushed open the door…

And a whole lot of water, filled with fish poop and other more disgusting things that will not be mentioned, came sploshing down on the leader of the Akatsuki, drenching him completely, from head to toe. Konan, who was watching him warily, jumped in shock and covered her mouth. Oh dear… The person who did this would be in for a very difficult time…

_**Back to The Deadly Duo**_

The two of them watched Leader through tears of mirth. It was so funny to see him shake his fist furiously at no one in particular, screaming 'I'LL GET YOU, YOU IDIOTS!' Yes, indeed, it was quite hilarious.

And so, it was like that for an entire week.

Don't you just pity Leader?

I sure don't.

-End of Chapter 4-

The Author would now like to say something:

_Dear Readers,_

_I apologise for taking so long to review. This chapter might be a little bit short, so please be patient and wait for the 5__th__ and final chapter to be put up. Do keep up the reviews, it does encourage me to write faster. _

_You must be thinking that I am such a __**troll**__ for making you wait for so long before I post a 470-worded chapter._

_To clarify such things…_

I am a troll.


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